Stealing butter. Please play along.
Today I made a quick trip to the grocery store for $143 worth of things we needed to get us through to next week. I was walking up the dairy aisle looking at the yogurt smoothies, since that is the only way my daughter will ingest yogurt with all it’s amazing acidophilous properties.
There was a man in front of me, perusing the butter. I mean, there are a lot of choices these days, are there not? Salted and un. Lowfat. Spreadable. Not to mention the myriad of margarines and the so-called healthy spreads. Whew. I understood his dilemma and watched him swing his plastic bakery bag with two donuts.
Ummmm, donuts.
I digress.
While I was deciding between Dora and High School Musical 3 smoothie bottles, I saw the man open a box of sticks of butter. You bet. Gotta make sure you’re getting all the sticks.
Then I knew just what kind of butter he wanted. He wanted the free butter. He took one of the wrapped half-sticks into his hand and dropped the box atop the the case below. I almost said, “Hey, mister, you dropped your butter!” But then he walked away and silly me thought — he can’t just buy a half stick of butter (I’m naive, bear with me). Then he slipped it into his pocket.
Stolen butter.
I didn’t tell anyone what I saw because if I made him mad I figured he could have thrown the butter down on the ground and made me slip, and this body doesn’t do well with falls on linoleum.
Maybe he needed the butter for his children’s day-old bread. Maybe he liked butter on his donuts. Maybe he was just an asshole who wanted to steal a half stick of butter leaving the rest of the box unsalable eventually driving up the price of all dairy products for the rest of us.
Maybe he was an undercover security agent working to see if the grocery store gurus would catch him, aptly doing their job.
Maybe…
Make up a story. Tell me what you think about the butter thief. Be creative.
Hi Amy,
I would make up a story, but I don’t have to. You see, I know that guy. I met him way back in my twenties when I worked in a grocery store. He’s related to the woman who takes her children to the produce aisle for free apples, grapes and bananas, of course, only after she has provided said youngins with all the potato chips and juice boxes their little palates and tummies can manage. Both of these folks are cousins to the guy who ripped off our meat department to the tune of $3,700.00. The clever and industrious fellow had sewn pockets inside a massive winter coat, thus hiding roasts, steaks and chops. He did this for approximately two months before we caught him. He was taking his pilfered goods to the local housing project and selling them out of his car. Oh, then there is the guy who was chased three blocks by the store manager for walking out the door with an unpaid for salami. Oh the stories I could tell.
Val, wow. I did think about the employees too — and if they would get in trouble for “not” catching him. Do you think customers saw and didn’t say anything? You know, like me? I just couldn’t because the story that played in my head was not a pretty one. That’s what I get for a keen imagination I guess.
He was remembering the classic Sesame Street skit where the kid needed a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter. Only he knew the store could not sell him just a stick of butter since they’re packaged 4 to a box. Being a purist, he expected the only way he could actually follow the letter of the skit instructions was to steal just one stick of butter.
Kleptos’ scavenger hunt?
In this day and age Amy, I would think twice about stopping someone doing the light fingered louie routine. Back when I was young and convinced of my imortality, I had a great time nabbing them. It sure beat standing on the checkout for three hours at a time during ‘angry customer’ Saturday evening. In our current environment a lifter may pull out a knife or gun and introduce you to your last moment on terra firma. I’m glad you kept well out it Amy.
Rather than explore why he did this, I would take this story to what happens next. He walks out of the grocery store and a rogue punk hit & run driver clips him, he falls and breaks his leg. I think that when you do something wrong, in some way, it comes back to you.
I think he eats the butter, gets listeria, is rushed to the emergency department but he lives and they find out he ate the poisoned recalled butter. With no proof of purchase they arrest him for theft. While in jail, he uses legal aid to hire the services of a crack lawsuit attorney who subsequently files a class action suit against the dairy for negligence causing grievous bodily harm. When the thief is released he buys a farm where he raises dairy cows. Unfortunately, the ravages of a cholesterol filled diet have caused significant damage to his heart muscle and he succumbs to heart disease six months into his farming career. So ends the sad tale of the butter pirate.
See? That’s why my blog friends are so amazing. You’re right – it’s better to write “what happened next.” Here’s my take…
Butterboy forgets about said butter in his pocket, until he reaches in just about now trying to look cool out on the street corner with his buddies.
Of course that makes him sound like a kid, and I think he was a full grown stupid adult.
He’s a government agent, and a secret code was imprinted on the inside wrapping of that stick of butter that could save or damn us all.
Oh Zoe! I knew I could count on you!!
The butter thief slips out of the grocery store and down to the town square where he meets up w/his pals the wine bandit, cheese stealer,cracker crook, and red and white checked table cloth burglar for their weekly rogue picnic.
I like it Debbie! I think all they need is that guy who opens his coat and has a bottle open, cheese slicer and some glasses!
Amy, Thanks! You’re right – I don’t know how I missed that guy… I love your web page and I have added it to my favorites. I love your writing, and if you’re back in the Philly area, let’s get in touch.
I’m pretty sure he’s a secret agent sent to save the world who needs to swallow a huge pill that gives him super human powers. His nice old Bubbe always told him that rubbing the pills with butter makes them slide down easier. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have time to wait for the gum-snapping clerks to check him out or the giant squid will swallow NYC. He’ll come back later to pay for it.
He’s planning on going to a movie later, and doesn’t trust that the ‘real butter’ for the popcorn is actually real butter. He didn’t pay for it, because with the price of movies and popcorn these days, he just couldn’t afford it.
I’m trying to figure out how he gets it melty for his popcorn…and if he saved enough money for a coke.
Mmmm. Donuts.